Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
