and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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