I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Randomize
