Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
