The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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