Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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