At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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