Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
