Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
