The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
