So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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