I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
