Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I don't deserve a penis
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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