woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
