Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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