worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
19 People Did The Wildest Things When They Were Black-Out Drunk
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
21 Signs That A Dude is Probably Insane
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.