How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
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there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
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Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?