Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
