I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
