If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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