I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
