True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
There's even glitter on my cock...
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