as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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