we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
