that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Randomize
