I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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