he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
