So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
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and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
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I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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