did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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