I only kidnapped one of them. chill
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.