I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
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I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
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Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Why are you drunk at the library?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.