Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
