i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
