then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
