So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
