He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
