Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
