You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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