when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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