I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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