All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
