Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
