i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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