my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
