I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
