I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
