I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
