ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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