Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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