he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
