I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
