I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
