I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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