I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm getting married
To pizza
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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