is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
