i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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